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Issue #7- November 18, 1999
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Brought to you by Laurie Riddell Geary, M.Ed., Coaching you to get your life IN GEAR by making shifts, getting unstuck, finding balance and re-alignment, accelerating your growth, and mapping the best route to your chosen destination: a perfect life.

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HOLIDAY CONFLICT?
Do you dread the holiday season because of the inevitable conflicts that arise when you get together with certain family members/friends? Are their chronic conflicts that never seem to get resolved? Take Action this year! Make a Change!
Follow these...
 

A+ ACTIONS for PREVENTING HOLIDAY CONFLICTS:
(copyright: Laurie R. Geary, 1999. all rights reserved)
 

1. ANTICIPATE:
Anticipate the kinds of conflicts you expect will arise when you get together with your family and friends over the holidays. Think about how you can handle them beforehand so that you are better prepared in the heat of emotional interchanges. Be creative; think of a different approach to solving those chronic problems. Practice what you might say (in reaction to what the other may say or do); use the PREVENTIVE I-MESSAGE =eg. "It is important to me to have some alone time during the day" or "I want to leave at _______o'clock so that I will have time to__________." The Preventive I-Message states your needs/feelings ahead of time so that the other knows and, hopefully, will cooperate with your requests.

2. ATTITUDE:
Embrace an attitude of acceptance and unconditional love during the holidays. Put aside any residual negative feelings for this short period of time; appreciate the positives; enjoy your time of connectedness and caring; lighten up and see the humorous side of things; be flexible. Have the intention of constructive conflict resolution that leads to greater intimacy and mutual respect.
(in the next issue: a poem about Attitude)

3. ACCEPTANCE:
Accept differences of opinion (don't get hung up on Being Right!); value and respect different traditions and rituals; accept what you cannot change; consider forgiveness.

4. ACKNOWLEDGE:
Give genuine compliments: use the POSITIVE I-MESSAGE="I felt________
when you__________." (eg. "I felt proud when you helped cook the meal," or "I really appreciate it when you take the time to listen to my concerns.")
Ken Blanchard (of THE ONE MINUTE MANAGER) recommends:"catch someone "being good" and tell them!" How often do you do that?
The ratio of compliments to criticism needs to be 4 to 1 - is that the ratio you act upon?
Listen and empathize so that people feel heard;
Give people the gifts/acknowledgments that THEY want, not what YOU want.

5. APPRECIATE:
Appreciate the time you have together with your loved ones; they will not always be with you! And, how often do you tell them what you appreciate about them?

6. ARGUE:
Argue against your negative self-talk: your internal negative judgments about others and about yourself. STOP negative self talk; change to positive self talk or to affirmations.

7. AFFIRMATIONS:
Affirmations are strong, positive statements about yourself said as if already true (eg. "I am enjoying a conflict-free Thanksgiving with my family; "I am happy that I am eating healthily.") The theory of using affirmations is that the gap that is created by making the statement draws us to close it and thus we become our affirmation.  State your affirmations many times a day over a two-week (or more) period for their power to be realized.

8. ASSERT:
 Get your needs met while respecting the rights of others (and respecting your rights); take responsibility for your needs and behaviors. Establish your Boundaries; Set your Standards; Learn Assertiveness Skills, especially DISCLOSING I-MESSAGES ("I feel________"), RESPONSIVE I-MESSAGES ("No, I do not want to___________ because_______), and CONFRONTIVE I-MESSAGES ("I feel_______when you__________because___________").
After you send a confrontive I-message be sure to "shift gears" and active listen

9. ACTIVE LISTEN:
When you listen to someone in a conflict situation their "emotional temperature" immediately goes down so that they can begin to hear you. Real Listening is the key to resolving conflicts!

10. AFFILIATE:
Connect with people during the holidays: connect with your family and friends; re-connect with old friends; connect with your community; connect with people in need. Affiliations are the most powerful need of the human race - Edward Hallowell, in his new book, CONNECT, states "connection is an essential vitamin; you can't live without it."
 

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Upcoming, free TELECLASSES: "Happy Holidays-Preventing, Reducing, or finally Eliminating Holiday Conflicts" - on Monday, November 22nd or on Thursdays, December 2 & 9 @9pm EST. Register at my website = www.ingearcoaching.com or at www.teleclass.com or www.teleclass4U.com
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TAREA:
*Participate in one of my teleclasses!
*Email me for a Bibliography of the best books I recommend for constructive
  conflict resolution
*Email me for "back issues" of my email broadcast with topics related to
  resolving conflicts
*Take a course in Assertiveness Training (check your local community
  education center or community college)
*Call me for a complimentary coaching session to help you with a conflict
  situation at work or at home (617-494-1422)

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Feedback from last issue, GET WIRED:
"I wish that we could bottle Derek's tenaciousness or simply find that thing that would so inspire each of us." (Verna Ford)

"Congratulations on raising a great kid. His story reminded me of the fact
that Johnny Mathias had to choose between being in the Olympics or going to
New York for a possible record contract. He also gave up what would be a
dream for most, just as your son did, and followed his heart. I hope it
works out as well for Derek." (Cynthia Horgan)

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I hope you enjoyed this issue; I would love to hear your feedback on this and subsequent issues. Please feel free to forward your copy of this email to anyone you think might enjoy reading it. I just request that you keep the broadcast intact...nothing changed, added or deleted, including subscription information and my contact and copyright information. Thank you
 

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or visit my website at http://www.ingearcoaching.com

Laurie R. Geary, M.Ed.
Professional  Certified Coach

Register for my free weekly newsletter: Gear Up for Success!
or a free teleclass on Risk-Taking or Building Self Esteem.
at my website: http://www.ingearcoaching.com

Phone: (617)494-1422
Fax: (617)494-1786
Address: 4 Canal Park, PH9, Cambridge, MA 02141
Graduate: Coach University http://www.coachu.com