CONFLICT, Part II...
What feelings arise within you when you think about conflict? How was conflict dealt with in your family? Did you learn effective skills to deal with the inevitable conflicts in your life so that you felt satisfied and empowered afterwards? or did conflict interactions leave you feeling hurt and diminished?
Sidney Jourard, author of "The Transparent Self," states:
"Growth in personality occurs as a consequence of meeting conflicts and
impasses head on, and reconciling them. Interpersonal conflicts and
impasses constitute problems which require a solution so that a satisfying
relationship may be maintained. Whenever a person encounters a problem in
his everyday living, he is obliged to vary his behavior until he discovers some mode of responding which is successful in achieving a solution."
If conflicts are inevitable then I would like to find the most effective ways to deal with them so that the results create constructive solutions and better relationships! In his book on Conflict Management, Richard Mayer, a professional negotiator, states that there are a number of factors that predictably arise in conflict situations:
 

1. When conflict arises, each person involved typically believes that s/he knows
       its cause...the reality is that the people almost NEVER know the real
       cause of the conflict. "The most frequent missing link in conflict
       situations is the definition of the problem."
 

2. Conflicts are most often caused by communication failures, especially
      (lack of) LISTENING -
 

3. Miscommunication is also caused by an over-reliance on words, eg. we assume that people understand our meanings; we forget that words are simply subjective interpretations of our inner experiences. (Remember: verbal communication is only 7% of our total communication).
 

4. THE NEED TO BE RIGHT is a primary contributor to any conflict.
(Many people would rather the RIGHT than HAPPY!)..In any conflict situation BOTH people are usually right.
 

5. AVOIDANCE & STOCKPILING! Most people wait too long to deal with conflict...which is usually an accumulation of numerous half-forgotten, relatively minor incidients leading up to a blowup over "the last straw."
 

6. In spite of beliefs to the contrary, people in conflict situations are not
       deliberately trying to hurt the other person; they are simply trying to
       get their needs met!
 

Understanding these predictable situations can help us deal more constructively with our conflicts. Next we need to learn effective conflict resolution skillls.
 

TAREA:
*Ask: "What predictable factors occur in MY conflict situations?"
               "What am I doing to avoid these factors?"
               "What other factors to be aware of?"

*Answer (write in a journal?):
       "How was conflict dealt with in my family?" What did I learn?
        How do I deal with conflict now? What do I want to stop doing?
        How would I prefer to deal with conflict? What do I need to learn now?

*Register (email me at laurie@ingearcoaching.com or go to www.teleclass.com)
  for my teleclass on CONFLICT MANAGEMENT..(there are still spaces!)
  on Wednesday, September 29th @ 9pm EDT.
 

Please feel free to forward your copy of this email to anyone you think might enjoy reading it. I just request that you keep the broadcast intact...nothing changed, added or deleted, including subscription information and my contact and copyright information. Thank you
sincerely,
Laurie R. Geary, Personal & Professional Coach
"Get Your Life In Gear for Success with Me as your Coach!"
 

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Laurie R. Geary, M.Ed.
Professional  Certified Coach

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Phone: (617)494-1422
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