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Issue #23 - March 10, 2000 - ASSERTIVENESS: A+ Action #8
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Brought to you by Laurie Riddell Geary, M.Ed., Coaching you to get your life
IN GEAR by making shifts, getting unstuck, finding balance, accelerating your
growth, and mapping the best route to your chosen destination: a perfect life. 

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FEEDBACK from READERS:
"I just wanted to thank you for the last newsletter about self esteem. 
Lately I've been letting that negative inner voice take over my whole 
outlook. It has been so good to be reminded that I have a choice in how 
I see myself. I am doing the homework and already feel better." MK 

"Your newsletter gets better and better. This one is great!"
Alvah Parker - Parker Associates 

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Last week's issue covered the 8 A+ Actions for Building Self Esteem. Each week I plan to focus more in depth on each action.  Today's A+ Action focuses on
ASSERTIVENESS. 

QUESTIONS to ask yourself:
How does being assertive build your self esteem? Do you consider yourself to be
an assertive person? In what ways?  Would you like to become more assertive? 
What are the ways you can become more assertive? 

DISTINCTIONS:
ASSERTIVE = Getting your needs met while respecting the rights of others
UNASSERTIVE = Not getting your needs met
AGGRESSIVE = Getting your needs met but usually at the expense of others' needs 

On BECOMING more ASSERTIVE:

1. ATTITUDE is the first step: you need to  believe that your needs are
important.

Embrace the ASSERTIVE BILL of RIGHTS: 

I have the right to choose my own values, beliefs, and opinions.
I have the right to change my values, beliefs, and opinions.
I have the right to assert my values, beliefs, and opinions.
I have the right to act on my values, beliefs and opinions, within the rights of others.
I have the right to get my needs met when they do not interfere with the basic rights of others.
I have the right to assert my needs and wants to others whose cooperation I need.
I have the right to confront another person when her/his behavior interferes with my meeting my needs.
I have the right to resolve conflicts so that I don't lose, or win at the expense of the other person.
I have the right to try to influence the values of others.
I have the right to plan and control my life.
 

2.  ASSERTIVE TECHNIQUES are the next step:

* Setting BOUNDARIES: 
"Steps to take incrementally"  Be sure to speak in a Neutral Tone.
1. INFORM the other of their unacceptable behavior
2. REQUEST that they stop that unacceptable behavior
3. INSTRUCT them on the behavior you would like them to do instead
4. WARN them the action you will take if they do not stop the unacceptable
behavior
5. ACT on the action you said you would take if they continue with the
unacceptable behavior.
"credit to http://www.coachu.com for this technique>"
 

*CONSTRUCTIVE CONFRONTATION:

Use the Confrontive I-Message:
When you "describe unacceptable behavior"
I feel "give your feeling"
Because "tangible effect on me"
eg. "When you are late to our lunch appointment I feel annoyed and worried because it means I will be late getting back to work and then not finish my project"
"Credit to Thomas Gordon of Effectiveness Training, Inc. for this skill"
 

*SAYING NO:
Learn to say NO more often...Practice saying NO.
eg. "No, I do not want to _______________ because _________________"
Ask yourself why you say YES when you want to say NO?
 

*TAKE CONTROL of your life:
Set goals and take the actions you need to meet them. 
Accept that YOU choose your actions; take responsibility for your own behaviors.
Exercise:  Complete the following sentences: 

I can't__________________
I can't __________________
I can't___________________ 

Now go back and cross out "can't" and put "won't"...
Remember, you are at choice! 

Practice these assertive techniques daily and your self esteem will grow as you
take control of your life and respect yourself.  You will build positive
relationships based on self respect and respect of others.
These are just some of the techniques that help you be more assertive;there are
many more techniques. To learn more, enroll in an assertiveness training
workshop, or take a teleclass on assertiveness, or read a book on the topic, or
work with a coach to practice your assertiveness....
 

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TAREA:

1. Register for my upcoming teleclass on the "8-A SYSTEM for BUILDING YOUR SELF ESTEEM"in order to learn and practice ASSERTIVENESS techniques to build Your Self Esteem.
"see below to register" 

2. Call me for a complimentary half-hour coaching session on becoming more
Assertive. 
Voice: 617-494-1422;  email: laurie@ingearcoaching.com 

3. Take a workshop on Assertiveness Training at your local community college. 

4. Read one or more of my favorite books on ASSERTIVENESS: 

*BE YOUR BEST, by Linda Adams 

*LEADER EFFECTIVENESS TRAINING, by Thomas Gordon 

*DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS, by Stone, Patton, Heer, Fisher 

*DON'T SAY YES WHEN YOU WANT TO SAY NO, by Bensterheim, Baer 

*ASSERTING YOURSELF, by Bower & Bower
 

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Upcoming TELECLASSES:

"LEARN the 8 A'S - A SYSTEM for BUILDING YOUR SELF ESTEEM"
4 Tuesdays, April 11, 18, 25, May 2 @ 9 pm EST - Fee: $99 

"LEARN the 3-STEP MODEL for TAKING RESPONSIBLE RISKS in order to GET UNSTUCK/MAKE BREAKTHROUGHS  to CREATE the LIFE YOU WANT"
4 Mondays, May 1, 8, 15, 22 @ 2pm EST  - Fee: $99 

For a more detailed description of each teleclass or to register, go to
www.teleclasscanada.com 
You may also find these teleclasses listed at www.teleclass.com or
www.teleclass4U.com

and, ANNOUNCING the official GRAND OPENING of TELECLASS CANADA:
TeleClass Canada is a new, distance learning center which features 
teleclass listings and online registration as well as many other valuable bits
of information, such as cheap telephone rates. Check it out today! Visit:
http://www.teleclasscanada.com

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"UPCOMING LOCAL WORKSHOPS":

BECOMING A PERSONAL/PROFESSIONAL COACH
Boston Center for Adult Education
 April 24 & May 1,  also Monday, June 12,  @ 6:30-9:30 p.m. 

*Middlesex Community College -  Saturday, April 29, 9 - 4 p.m. 

ATTRACTING WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE
*Middlesex Community College - Wednesday, June 7th from 6:30-9:30pm 

ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING
*Patriot Trail Girl Scouts - Tuesday, March 14, 7-10 pm 

TEAM-BUILDING
*Bank Boston, 100 Federal Street, Boston; Friday, March 17, 2:30-4:30 pm
CWE - Center for Women in Enterprise 

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Please feel free to forward your copy of this email to anyone you think might 
enjoy reading it. 

I am trying to build my subscriber list - I am almost at 
400... and my goal is to reach 500 by May, 2000. I appreciate your support. 
I just request that you keep the broadcast intact...nothing changed, 
added or deleted, including subscription information and my contact and 
copyright information. Thank you 

Also, please e-mail me laurie@ingearcoacing.com if you would like back-issues of my weekly broadcast or go to my website - http://www.ingearcoaching.com
 
 

To subscribe/unsubscribe to this broadcast, please send an email addressed to subscribe@ingearcoaching.com
or 
unsubscribe@ingearcoaching.com. 
In the subject line, write either subscribe or unsubscribe 
or visit my website at http://www.ingearcoaching.com

Laurie R. Geary, M.Ed. 
Professional  Certified Coach 

Register for my free weekly newsletter: Gear Up for Success! 
or a free teleclass on Risk-Taking or Building Self Esteem. 
at my website: http://www.ingearcoaching.com

Phone: (617)494-1422 
Fax: (617)494-1786 
Address: 4 Canal Park, PH9, Cambridge, MA 02141 
Graduate: Coach University http://www.coachu.com