DEALING WITH CONFLICT:
Conflict is inevitable and unavoidable in our relationships with other people.
For many of us conflict has been unpleasant and hurtful, so we try to avoid it as much as possible.  However, this avoidance often leads to more painful interations.  Many of us didn't learn constructive ways to deal with conflict...and there are tools and techniques to help us turn conflict into positive results.
If you are interested in learning more tools for creative conflict resolution, sign up for my free teleclass on  Wednesday, September 29 @ 9pm EDT.
To register go to my website at www.ingearcoaching.com or go to www.teleclass.com
 

TOP TEN WAYS to DEAL with DIFFICULT PEOPLE
(all rights reserved: Laurie Geary, 1999)
 

1. COUNT TO TEN - BREATHE DEEPLY
    When people get in conflict situations they can get "emotionally
    flooded" and then not be able to deal with the conflict constructively.
    Therefore, taking some time to "lower one's emotional temperature" can
    help you be able to think clearly and, hopefully, deal more effectively
    with the conflict and with another person who is being difficult.
    Use other Anger Reduction Techniques (list available upon request)...
 

2. TAKE A "TIME OUT"
    If counting to ten/breathing aren't effective enough to lower your
    "flooded feelings," then it's best to leave the situation (or hang up if
    you are on the phone)..saying something like:"I need to get some space
    right now in order to think more clearly about this." or "Right now you
    seem to be angry; I would rather talk about this when feelings are not so
    volatile.  I don't want to say anything I regret later.  Let's agree to
    talk about this later when we both are not so upset."
 

3. ASK - CLARIFY - LISTEN
    Ask the other to explain their point of view so that you best understand
    understand their perspective.  Put yourself in their shoes/empathize as best
    best you can.  Be sure to Listen to what they say (rather than preparing
    your "rebuttal" in your head). The other really knows you heard them when
    you use effective listening skills:
    Listening skills include: paraphrasing what you heard them say(i.e. repeating
    back their statements in your own words.
    Active listening: reflecting back the feelings you hear them say...
    summarizing the gist of what they have said.
 

4. STATE YOUR POINT OF VIEW in non-blameful terms, focusing on
    your feelings:
    Use I-Messages: Disclosing, Responsive, Preventive, Confrontive
 

5. AGREE IN PART or AGREE TO DISAGREE
    Find the part of their message that you do agree with and say so; affirm
    the positives of what is being said.
    Thank them for sharing their concerns with you/bringing the issue to
    your attention.

6. BE ASSERTIVE
    *Believe in your "assertive rights" ("Assertive Bill of Rights" available
    upon request or provided in teleclass)
    *Use I-Messages: Disclosing, Preventive, Responsive, Confrontive
    *Use the "Broken Record" Technique
    *Be firm but calm - "Charge Neutral"
    *Be Congruent: your body language & tone of voice match your assertion
    *Set Boundaries (see 4-step process for setting boundaries -provided at
      teleclass or upon request)
    *Intervene early; don't ignore unacceptable behaviors
    *Decide when to be assertive

7. USE EFFECTIVE NEGOTIATION/PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS
    The 6-Step Model=  Clarify the Problem/Conflict (using the skills of
    Active Listening & Confrontive I-Messages)
                        Brainstorm Solutions
                        Evaluate Solutions
                        Choose the Best Solution
                        Implement the Solution
                        Evaluate the Results at a later date to determine
                        effective effectiveness

8. WRITE IT DOWN
    Write your concerns, feelings, reactions in a journal or
    Write a letter to the other (put aside...decide later whether to send it or not)

9. TALK IT OUT with another Person:
    Talk to a friend, colleague, therapist, coach, support group about
    the issues/concerns re: this difficult person and decide how best to
    deal with him/her

10. REFRAME - Change your Perception:
      There is always another way to look at things; find ways to look at
      the situation from a different point of view.  Don't get hung up on being right
 

*And remember, sometimes it's just best to "Let it Go" - don't respond or
react... just walk away.
 

"TAREA" (HOMEWORK)=
1. Register for my teleclass on September 29th
2. Read the following books:"Be Your Best" by Linda Adams or
    "Conflict Management-The Courage to Confront" by Richard Mayer
3. Use one of the skills described above next time you are in a conflict
    situation...call me at (617)494-1422 for a complimentary coaching
    session about that situation.
 

I would love to hear from you with any comments or feedback about this broadcast of INGEAR FOR SUCCESS!
Email me at laurie@ingearcoaching.com
 

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Laurie R. Geary, M.Ed.
Professional  Certified Coach

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Phone: (617)494-1422
Fax: (617)494-1786
Address: 4 Canal Park, PH9, Cambridge, MA 02141
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