Issue #60 - December 1, 2000 <<Predictable Factors Leading To Conflict>>

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brought to you by Laurie Riddell Geary, M.Ed., PCC.
Coaching you to get your life IN GEAR by making shifts, getting
unstuck, finding balance, accelerating your growth, and mapping
the best route to your chosen destination: a life filled with
passion and purpose.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Table of Contents:

 1. Reader Feedback:
         2. Quotes on <Conflict>
         3. Topic <<Predictable Factors Leading to Conflict>>
         4. Recommended Tasks
 5. Recommended Books
        *New: A Resource Booklet on Games and Initiatives
         6. Upcoming Teleclasses and local Workshops
         7. Subscription information

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Reader Feedback (from last week's issue on Holiday Giving ideas)...

<Thanks for this, Laurie!  I love the quotes! .... Thanks for the inspiration>
Susan

<Laurie,
I really liked the Holiday newsletter. I love Christmas and get great joy out of making cookies for others
and putting together packages to mail to friends and relatives. I notice that people do get caught up in
the materialism and your notes gave me an idea. I'm asking my husband to give me a little of himself
for Christmas to help me clean up our basement so that we can refinish it for extra kid space. And I
don't want anything under the tree except maybe some dark chocolate! Thanks for the tips>
Clare H.

<My sister and I decided on a great idea for a gift: we are giving each other permission to indulge ourselves!  I am going to take a long, soothing, bubble bath as my gift from her....and she is going to do the same>.
Judi M.

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 Quotes on Conflict:

<Many of our conflicts are analogous to arguing with a fish over whether it's better to live on land or in water.  The fish is right and so are we!>

<Growth in personality occurs as a consequence of meeting conflicts and impasses head on, and reconciling them.  Interpersonal conflicts and
impasses constitute problems which require a solution so that a satisfying relationship may be maintained>
Sidney Jourard,

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<Predictable Factors Leading to Conflict>

With the upcoming holidays, many of us will be spending more time with our families which can often lead to chronic and predictable conflicts.  Preparing for these inevitable conflicts can help to minimize them and thus ensure happier holidays.

What feelings arise within you when you think about conflict?  How was conflict dealt with in your family?  Did you learn effective skills to deal with the inevitable conflicts in your life so that you felt satisfied and empowered afterwards? or did conflict interactions leave you feeling hurt and diminished?

If conflicts are inevitable then I would like to find the most effective ways to deal with them so that the results create constructive solutions and better relationships!
There are a number of factors that predictably arise in conflict situations:

1. When conflict arises, each person involved typically believes that s/he knows its cause...the reality is that the people almost never know the real
        cause of the conflict. <The most frequent missing link in conflict situations is the definition of the problem>

2. Conflicts are most often caused by communication failures, especially (lack of) listening.  We can learn effective listening skills!

3. Miscommunication is also caused by an over-reliance on words, eg. we assume that people understand our meanings; we forget that words are simply subjective interpretations of our inner experiences.  (Remember: verbal communication is only 7% of our total communication).

4. The need to be right is a primary contributor to any conflict.
(Many people would rather the right than happy!).  In any conflict situation both people are usually right (remember the fish quote!); once each person takes the time to really hear the other's point of view, usually a win-win solution can be found.

5. Avoidance and stockpiling! Most people wait too long to deal with conflict...which is usually an accumulation of numerous half-forgotten, relatively minor incidents leading up to a blowup over "the last straw."   Deal with potential conflicts early...if something bothers you, tell the other right then.

6. In spite of beliefs to the contrary, people in conflict situations are not deliberately trying to hurt the other person; they are simply trying to
        get their needs met!  Again, if you listen for the need you can usually find a constructive solution.

Understanding these predictable situations can help us deal more constructively with our conflicts.  Then learning effective conflict resolution skills... such as Active Listening...I-Messages (sign up for my upcoming teleclass to learn/practice these skills)..... is the next step.
and for information regarding dealing with difficult people, anger management and more topics related to conflict resolution, see back issues of my newsletter at my website: www.ingearcoaching.com

*Note: much of the information for this issue is taken from <Conflict Management> by Richard Mayer...a professional negotiator
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Recommended Tasks

1. Ask yourself...and record?
 What predictable factors occur in my conflict situations?
                What am I doing to avoid these factors?  What am I doing to prevent these factors from occurring?
 How was conflict dealt with in my family?  What did I learn?
 How do I deal with conflict now?  What do I want to stop doing?
 How would I prefer to deal with conflict?  What do I need to learn now?

2. Read one of the books on Conflict Resolution/Skills (see below)

3. Register for my free upcoming  teleclass:<Happy Holidays: Preventing, Reducing, or finally! Eliminating Holiday Conflict>.
 on December 11th @ 9pmEST.  Contact me: laurie@ingearcoaching.com or register at www.teleclass.com

4. Go to my Website www.ingearcoaching.com for more information on conflict in  back issues of my newsletter.
 
5.. Call or email me for a complimentary half-hour COACHING session to support you in having a happy holiday season without conflict.
 Voice:617-494-1422;  email: laurie@ingearcoaching.com

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Recommended Books:

<Conflict Management> Richard Mayer
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0935470824/gearupforsuccela

<The Transparent Self>, by Sidney Jourard
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0442341903/gearupforsuccela

<Getting Together: Building Relationships as We Negotiate> by Fisher and Brown
of the Harvard Negotiation Project
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0-14-012638-4/gearupforsuccela

<Be Your Best> by Linda Adams
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0399515631/gearupforsuccela

**and   HOT OFF THE PRESS!: My new booklet on experiential activities for trainers: GAMES & INITIATIVES for NETWORKING, ENERGIZING,
and TEAM-BUILDING,  is now available...hard copy ($20) or pdf. file ($15)
Send to Laurie Geary, 4 Canal Park, PH9, Cambridge, MA 02141 or email: laurie@ingearcoaching.com or order at my website:www.ingearcoaching.com
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4 - UPCOMING TELECLASSES:

<HAPPY HOLIDAYS: Preventing, Reducing, or finally! Eliminating CONFLICTS during the Holiday Season>
 Monday, December 11 @ 9pmEST

<BUILD YOUR SELF ESTEEM using the 8-A+ SYSTEM>
Thursday, December 7 @ 9pmEST.

<FINDING YOUR PASSION & PURPOSE>
Wednesday, January 17 @ 9pm
register at www.womensu.com

To register, go to www.teleclass.com. For more information, contact Laurie Geary @ (617)494-1422 or email: laurie@ingearcoaching.com
or see her website @www.ingearcoaching.com

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UPCOMING LOCAL WORKSHOPS:

BE A PERSONAL & PROFESSIONAL COACH
*Boston Center for Adult Education
 Thursday, January 18, 2001-6:30-9:30pm
also, Tuesday, April 3, 2001
*NSCC, Wednesday, February 28th, 9-3 p.m.

RISK-TAKING: THE PATH to PERSONAL GROWTH
*BCAE -6:30-9:30 pm.- Thursday, January 25, 2001
also Tuesday, April 10, 2001
*NSCC: Wednesday, February 21, 2001, 9-3pm

BUILD YOUR SELF ESTEEM WITH THE 8-A SYSTEM
*NSCC: Wednesday, April 4, 2001, 9-3pm

ATTRACTING WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE
*Middlesex Community College - Saturday, February 24th from 9 to 4 pm

GAMES AND INITIATIVES FOR LEARNING
* RANCHO LA PUERTA SPA, Tecate, Mexico
December 16-22, 2000

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Please  forward your copy of this newsletter to anyone you think might
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