Gear up for Success!
Issue #61 - December 8, 2000 <<Top Ten Ways to Deal with Difficult People during hte Holidays>>
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brought to you by Laurie Riddell Geary, M.Ed., PCC.
Coaching you to get your life IN GEAR by making shifts, getting
unstuck, finding balance, accelerating your growth, and mapping
the best route to your chosen destination: a life filled with
passion and purpose.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Table of Contents:
1. Topic <<Top
Ten Ways to Deal with Difficult People>>
2. Recommended Tasks
3. Recommended Books
*New: A Resource Booklet
on Games and Initiatives
4. Upcoming Teleclasses
and local Workshops
5. Subscription information
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Some Tools for Dealing with Difficult People during the Holiday Season..
During the Holiday Season we are in contact with more people than usual.. people at work, in our community, and in our extended family. We may have to deal with some difficult people whom we are able to avoid the rest of the year. There are methods for dealing with these situations. Conflict is actually inevitable and unavoidable in our relationships with other people. For many of us conflict has been unpleasant and hurtful, so we try to avoid it as much as possible. However, this avoidance often leads to more painful interactions. Many of us didn't learn constructive ways to deal with conflict...and there are tools and techniques to help us turn conflict into positive results.
Top Ten Ways to Deal with Difficult People during the Holidays... (reprint)
(all rights reserved: Laurie Geary, 1999)
1. Count to Ten - Breathe!
When people get into conflict
situations they can get "emotionally
flooded" and then are not able to deal with the conflict
constructively.
Therefore, taking some time to "lower one's emotional
temperature" can
help you be able to think more clearly and, hopefully,
deal more effectively
with the conflict and with another person who is being
difficult.
Use other Anger Reduction Techniques (see issue #4)
2. Take a <Time Out>
If counting to ten/breathing
aren't effective enough to lower your
"flooded feelings," then it's best to leave the situation
(or hang up if
you are on the phone)..saying something like:"I need to
get some space
right now in order to think more clearly about this."
or "Right now you
seem to be angry; I would rather talk about this when
feelings are not so
volatile. I don't want to say anything I regret
later. Let's agree to
talk about this later when we both are not so upset."
3. Ask - Clarify - Listen:
Ask the other to explain
their point of view so that you best understand
understand their perspective. Put yourself in their
shoes/empathize as best
best you can. Be sure to Listen to what they say
(rather than preparing
your "rebuttal" in your head). The other really knows
you heard them when
you use effective listening skills:
Listening skills include: <paraphrasing> what you heard
them say(i.e. repeating
back their statements in
your own words.
<active listening> reflecting
back the feelings you hear them say..
<summarizing> the gist
of what they have said.
4. State your Point of View in non-blameful terms, focusing on your
feelings:
Use I-Messages: Disclosing, Responsive, Preventive, Confrontive
<I feel____________when you (describe their behavior) because (tangible
effect on me)>
5. Agree in Part...or Agree to DisAgree:
Find the part of their message that you do
agree with and say so; affirm
the positives of what is being said.
Thank them for sharing their concerns with you/bringing
the issue to
your attention.
6. Be Assertive:
*Believe in your <assertive
rights> (<Assertive Bill of Rights> available upon request)
*Use I-Messages: Disclosing,
Preventive, Responsive, Confrontive
*Use the <Broken Record>
Technique: keep repeating your statement in a neutral tone of voice.
*Be firm but calm
*Be Congruent: your body
language and tone of voice match your assertion
*Set Boundaries - Inform
them of their behavior that you find unacceptable: using an I-Message;
Make a Request for the behavior you wish instead; Warn them of
the consequences...what you will do if their behavior doesn't change;
Act: carry out the consequence. (for a model, send me an email)
*Intervene early; don't
ignore unacceptable behaviors...don't "stockpile"
*Decide when to be assertive
- timing is everything.
7. Use Effective Problem-Solving Techniques:
Use the 6-Step Model*= -Clarify the Problem/Conflict (using
the skills of Active Listening & Confrontive I-Messages)
-Brainstorm Solutions
-Evaluate Solutions
-Choose the Best Solution
-Implement the Solution
-Evaluate the Results at a later date to determine effectiveness
*see Thomas Gordon: Effectiveness Training Model
8. Write it Down:
Write your concerns, feelings,
reactions in a journal or
Write a letter to the other
(put aside...decide later whether to
send it or not)
9. Talk it out with another Person
Talk to a friend, colleague,
therapist, coach, support group about
the issues/concerns re: this difficult person and
decide how best to
deal with him/her
10. Reframe - Change your Perception:
There is always another
way to look at things; find ways to look at
the situation from a different point of view.
Don't get hung up on
being right
*And remember, sometimes it's just best to "Let it Go" - don't respond
or
react... just walk away.
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Recommended Tasks:
1. Register for my free upcoming teleclass:<Happy Holidays:
Preventing, Reducing, or finally! Eliminating Holiday Conflict>.
on December 11th @ 9pmEST. Contact me: laurie@ingearcoaching.com
or register at www.teleclass.com
4. Go to my Website www.ingearcoaching.com for more information on conflict
in back issues of my newsletter.
5.. Call or email me for a complimentary half-hour COACHING session
to support you in having a happy holiday season without conflict.
Voice:617-494-1422; email: laurie@ingearcoaching.com
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Recommended Books:
<Parent Effectiveness Training> by Thomas Gordon
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN/0609806939/gearupforsuccela
<Conflict Management> Richard Mayer
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN/0935470824/gearupforsuccela
<Getting Together: Building Relationships as We Negotiate> by Fisher
and Brown
of the Harvard Negotiation Project
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN/0-14-012638-4/gearupforsuccela
<Be Your Best> by Linda Adams
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN/0399515631/gearupforsuccela
**and HOT OFF THE PRESS!: My new booklet on experiential
activities for trainers: GAMES & INITIATIVES for NETWORKING, ENERGIZING,
and TEAM-BUILDING, is now available...hard copy ($20) or pdf.
file ($15)
Send to Laurie Geary, 4 Canal Park, PH9, Cambridge, MA 02141 or email:
laurie@ingearcoaching.com or order at my website:www.ingearcoaching.com
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4 - UPCOMING TELECLASSES:
<HAPPY HOLIDAYS: Preventing, Reducing, or finally! Eliminating CONFLICTS
during the Holiday Season>
Monday, December 11 @ 9pmEST
<FINDING YOUR PASSION & PURPOSE>
Wednesday, January 17 @ 9pm
register at www.womensu.com
To register, go to www.teleclass.com. For more information, contact
Laurie Geary @ (617)494-1422 or email: laurie@ingearcoaching.com
or see her website @www.ingearcoaching.com
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UPCOMING LOCAL WORKSHOPS:
BE A PERSONAL & PROFESSIONAL COACH
*Boston Center for Adult Education
Thursday, January 18, 2001-6:30-9:30pm
also, Tuesday, April 3, 2001
*NSCC, Wednesday, February 28th, 9-3 p.m.
RISK-TAKING: THE PATH to PERSONAL GROWTH
*BCAE -6:30-9:30 pm.- Thursday, January 25, 2001
also Tuesday, April 10, 2001
*NSCC: Wednesday, February 21, 2001, 9-3pm
BUILD YOUR SELF ESTEEM WITH THE 8-A SYSTEM
*NSCC: Wednesday, April 4, 2001, 9-3pm
ATTRACTING WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE
*Middlesex Community College - Saturday, February 24th from 9 to 4
pm
GAMES AND INITIATIVES FOR LEARNING
* RANCHO LA PUERTA SPA, Tecate, Mexico
December 16-22, 2000
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