Issue #86 - June, 15  2001 <<Are you Stroke Starved?>>

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brought to you by Laurie Riddell Geary, M.Ed., PCC.
Coaching you to get your life IN GEAR by making shifts, getting
unstuck, finding balance, accelerating your growth, and mapping
the best route to your chosen destination: a life filled with
passion and purpose.

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In this Issue:
        1. Welcome!
        2. Weekly Article:  <<Are You Stroke Starved?>>
        3. Recommended Tasks
        4. Recommended Books
        5. Upcoming  Teleclasses and local Workshops
        6. Subscription information
 

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1. WELCOME
 

Welcome to <GEAR UP FOR SUCCESS> and a warm welcome to all
my new subscribers!  I really appreciate your forwarding my newsletter
to all your friends and colleagues. Your recommendations help me grow
and develop as a coach and trainer. Anyone can subscribe by going to
my website www.ingearcoaching.com or simply email your subscription
request to laurie@ingearcoaching.com
Thank you so much for your support!
 

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2.  **Weekly Article:  <<ARE YOU STROKE-STARVED?>>
 

        According to Eric Berne, author of <Games People Play>, strokes
are necessary for human survival, yet most of us don't get enough strokes.
We are Stroke-Starved.   A stroke, according to Berne, is simply <a unit
of recognition>.  We all need to be recognized to know that we exist: <you
notice me, therefore I am> We want strokes, and most behavior is designed
to elicit strokes.  Ideally we want positive strokes, but if we don't get enough
positive strokes, we will go for negative strokes.  It's like we have a certain
survival quotient of stroke needs which, if we fall below this quotient, we will
seek out whatever we can get. We want to know we're here, even if it means
we get hurt with negative strokes.
        There are different kinds of strokes: positive verbal strokes eg.<good
job!> <I like your smile> and positive non-verbal strokes eg. hugs & kisses...
There are negative verbal strokes  eg. <you're a jerk> <you're fat> and negative
non-verbal strokes <a slap> <a spanking>  Berne created a visual model to show
how these different types of strokes relate <see his book>
        Numerous studies over the years have supported Berne's theory.
During World War II it was found that babies actually died without getting
enough strokes - called the infant marasmus syndrome.  Later stunted growth
called <psychosocial dwarfism>.was found in children living in an
atmosphere where they didn't get enough strokes.
        TLC <tender loving care> was found to reduce atherosclerosis as
well as risk of heart attack in rabbits.  And then, surprisingly, it was found
that the person giving the TLC to the rabbits actually reduced their blood pressure.
Coronary patients with pets have a survival rate 35X greater than those who don't
have pets!
        Author Leo Buscaglia found that a man lived longer if his wife kissed her
husband before he went to work. It has also been found that people in love
have reduced levels of lactid acid and are therefore less tired, have fewer colds
and infections, and are less depressed.
        On the Holmes/Rahe Life Change Scale*, which measures the effect
of stress on your health, the highest points are given to people who have lost
a loved one, either through death or divorce.  Social connection has been
found to be the single most important indicator for longevity.
        According to Virginia Satir, author of <People Making> we need
4 hugs a day for survival, 8 hugs a day for maintenance, and 12 hugs a
day for growth. How many hugs do you get each day? In our advanced
society we need <high touch> to balance out <high tech> Apparently 83%
of our population grew up getting less than one hug per day.
        Berne has a theory as to why we live in a state of stroke deficit/
stroke hunger, which can vary from mild to severe.  He called it the
Stroke Economy: unwritten rules we live by - a belief system that keeps us
from getting the strokes we need.  You'll notice these <rules> are full
of shoulds, so...stop <shoulding> on yourself..and break down the stroke
economy <see below>
 

                The STROKE ECONOMY
 

1. DON'T GIVE STROKES if you have them to give:
        This <rule> comes from the belief that there are not enough
strokes to go around...so, if I give out too many strokes, I will not
have any more left to give.  This comes from a scarcity mentality
which needs to be changed to an abundance mentality: there are
enough strokes for everyone..and the more you give, the more you
get! Another reason we follow this <rule> is we're taught that people
will get a <swelled head> or become conceited  if they are given strokes;we believe it is
not good for people to get too many strokes
 

2. DON'T ASK for STROKES if you need them:
        Many of us have been taught that we shouldn't ask for things.
that somehow asking isn't polite or we're being too greedy.  Also
many of us believe that others should know what we want and we
shouldn't have to ask.
 

3. DON'T ACCEPT STROKES even if you want them:
        If someone gives us a compliment we often deflect it by
counter-complimenting them, or we minimize/deny the compliment.
Or we don't want people to think we need to receive strokes..
that we're somehow needy.
 

4. DON'T REJECT STROKES when you don't want them:
        Someone may give you a hug that feels inappropriate,
or you may be given a compliment that feels manipulative.
You don't want to seem rude or unappreciative or want to hurt
the other's feelings. This <rule> keeps you from rejecting/not
accepting that stroke. Girls/women are more likely to buy into this rule.
 

5. DON'T GIVE YOURSELF STROKES!
        We're taught not to <brag> that it's not o.k to
mention your positive qualities or your strengths because
you might become conceited.  Not so!
 

It's obvious that we need to break down this Stroke Economy
so that we can build our stroke quotient!!  How do we do this?
Berne has the answer...
 

BREAKING the STROKE ECONOMY
 

1. KNOW WHAT KIND of STROKES you want - BE AWARE:
    Do you want physical strokes?  Do you want verbal/written
strokes? from whom do you want to receive  what kind of stroke?
Do you want strokes for your intelligence? for your beauty?
for your accomplishments?  for your work? for what?
 

2. Learn to ASK for STROKES:
        Don't assume people will know what you want; tell them!
Become more aware of the kinds of strokes you want and
find ways to get them by asking.  Ask for a compliment; ask
for a hug; ask for a reward...dare to ask for what you want!
*read <The Aladdin Factor>
 

3.  Learn to GIVE STROKES that  you are asked for:
        Notice what others want/need for strokes,  give others
the strokes that they want.  Be sure to ask others what  kinds
of strokes they want.
 

4. Learn to ACCEPT STROKES you are given.
        Don't discount the strokes you are given!  Simply say
<thank you> to a compliment and let the compliments sink in.
Collect your strokes: keep a file of the compliments you
are given.
 

5.  Learn to REJECT STROKES you don't want:
        Be assertive: say NO to compliments you don't want;
say NO to unwanted physical strokes. Learn to set your
personal boundaries.
*read <Be Your Best>
 

6. GIVE YOURSELF STROKES!
        Change your belief system and accept the importance of
giving yourself strokes: i.e. keep track of your accomplishments,
notice your good deeds, acknowledge yourself publicly,
keep a list of your strengths and tell others.  Take time for yourself:
get massages and facials, have fun
(email me for a list of 101 ways to give yourself strokes)
*read <Take Time for Yourself>
 

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3. Recommended TASKS:
 

a. Ask yourself: <What kinds of strokes do I want? how can I get them?
Who can give them to me?  What kinds of strokes can you give? and
to whom?
 

b. Take an assessment to determine your Stroke Economy:
        -Holmes/Rahe Life Change Scale
        -Stroke Assessment
        -Self Esteem Assessment
 

c. Call or email me for a complimentary half-hour COACHING session to
        break down your stroke economy or to take/analyze an assessment.
        Voice:617-494-1422;  email: laurie@ingearcoaching.com
 

d.. Go to my Website www.ingearcoaching.com for back issues of my newsletter to read
 more articles on taking risks, building self esteem, finding your passion, resolving conflict,
coaching...and much more
 

e. Read one of the books recommended below
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4. Recommended BOOKS:
 

<Take Time for Your Life> by Cheryl Richardson.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0767902068/gearupforsuccela
 

<Games People Play> by Eric Berne
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0345410033/gearupforsuccela
 

<Be Your Best> by Linda Adams
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/039951631/gearupforsuccela
 

<The New PeopleMaking> by Virginia Satir
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/083140076/gearupforsuccela
 

<The Aladdin Factor> by Jack Canfield, et al
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0425150755/gearupforsuccela
 

or....
Order my new workbook:
<RISK TO GROW! CREATE the LIFE YOU WANT through RESPONSIBLE RISK-TAKING>
a collection of articles, top tens, models, poems & quotes, and exercises on Risk-Taking....
or
 order my other booklet on experiential activities for trainers: 75 of my favorite activities
learned from years of working as an instructor for Outward Bound Professional Development
Programs <GAMES & INITIATIVES for NETWORKING, ENERGIZING, & TEAM-BUILDING>.
 

Both booklets now available...hard copy ($20) or pdf. file ($15)
Send check to Laurie Geary, 4 Canal Park, PH9, Cambridge, MA 02141;
email request to: laurie@ingearcoaching.Com or
order at my website: www.ingearcoaching.com
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5. UPCOMING <TELECLASSES> and  <LOCAL WORKSHOPS>:
 

<TELECLASSES>
Register at www.teleclass.com or www.womensu.com  or simply
email: laurie@ingearcoaching.com
 

*BUILDING YOUR SELF ESTEEM with the 8-A SYSTEM
North Shore Community College (NSCC)
 4 Thursdays, September 6-13-20-27 @ 8pmEST
Call NSCC to register (978) 762-6722
 

<LOCAL WORKSHOPS>:
 

RISK-TAKING: The Path to Personal Growth:
*Boston Center for Adult Education
 Tuesday, September 25th @ 6:30pmEST
*North Shore Community College
Wednesday, September 26th from 9-3pm
 

BE A PERSONAL & PROFESSIONAL COACH
*Boston Center for Adult Education
  6:30-9:30 pm Tuesday, September 11th @ 6:30pmEST
*North Shore Community College
Wednesday, September 12th, from 9-3pm
 

BUILDING YOUR SELF ESTEEM with the 8-A SYSTEM
North Shore Community College
Wednesday, September 19th from 9-3pm
 

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6. SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION
Please  forward your copy of this newsletter to anyone you think might enjoy reading it.
I appreciate your support. I just request that you keep the broadcast intact...
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and copyright information. Thank you
For back-issues of my weekly broadcast go to my website @ www.ingearcoaching.com
To subscribe or un-subscribe go to www.ingearcoaching.com/newsletter
Laurie R. Geary, M.Ed.
Professional Certified Coach
Get your life in Gear: Gear Up for Success!
www.ingearcoaching.com
voicemail: (617) 494-1422
fax: (617)494-1786
4 Canal Park - Apt. PH9
Cambridge, MA 02141