Issue #83 - May,25  2001 <<Build Your Emotional Trust Banks!>>

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brought to you by Laurie Riddell Geary, M.Ed., PCC.
Coaching you to get your life IN GEAR by making shifts, getting
unstuck, finding balance, accelerating your growth, and mapping
the best route to your chosen destination: a life filled with
passion and purpose.

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I
n this issue:
        1. Welcome!
        2. Weekly Article:  <<Build Your Emotional Trust Banks>>
 *Top Ten Ways to Build your Emotional Trust Banks
        3. Quotes
        4. Recommended Tasks
        5. Recommended Books
        6. Upcoming  Teleclasses and local Workshops
        7. Subscription information

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1. WELCOME
Welcome to <GEAR UP FOR SUCCESS> and a warm welcome to all
my new subscribers!  I really appreciate your forwarding my newsletter
to all your friends and colleagues. Your recommendations help me grow
and develop as a coach and trainer. Anyone can subscribe by going to my
website www.ingearcoaching.com or simply email your subscription request
to laurie@ingearcoaching.com
Thank you so much for your support!
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2.  **Weekly Article:  <<BUILD YOUR EMOTIONAL TRUST BANK>>

 How is your emotional trust bank?  is it as full as you want it to be?
are you getting enough deposits or are there too many withdrawals?
How is your bank balance?
 Stephen Covey, in his book <The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People>
created the concept of emotional bank accounts.  An emotional bank account is
a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that's been built up in a relationship;
it's the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.
 In our relationships with the significant people in our life...our family,
friends, colleagues, children, spouse/lover...trust gets built or eroded over time.
Like a financial bank account, we build up reserves.
Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship; it is essential for personal
as well as professional commitment.  For each person we are in relationship
with we build an emotional trust bank: a depository of feelings created by
their behaviors towards us.   The other person is also building an emotional
trust bank created by our behaviors towards him/her.
 How are deposits built in our emotional trust bank? Acts of kindness,
thoughtful deeds, keeping promises and commitments, telling the truth,
acknowledgments, compliments, hugs & kisses, listening....How are withdrawals
made from our emotional  trust bank?  Breaking promises, being deceitful,
criticisms/put downs,  hurtful acts.  Our emotional bank account can become
overdrawn...trust level gets very low.
 Our most constant relationships...like marriage, family, work.....require
our most constant deposits; if a large reserve of trust is not sustained by
continuing deposits, these relationships deteriorate.
 To create a positive emotional trust bank with someone we need many
more deposits than withdrawals.  Virginia Satir, author of <People-Making>,
has determined that people need compliments (deposits) at a ratio of 4:1 -
we need 4 compliments to every 1 criticism (withdrawal).  Yet, for most of us,
 this ratio is  reversed: we get 4 criticisms for every 1 compliment.  Why is this?
If I have built up a large reserve of deposits, then our relationship can handle
many withdrawals.  Without reserves the smallest withdrawal can have a very
negative impact.
 The basic premise of all the <One Minute Manager> books* is to <catch
someone being good...and tell them> Blanchard found this to be the best technique
for motivating people in the workplace; it's also the best way to make deposits in
your emotional trust banks!
 According to Eric Berne, author of <Games People Play> most of us go
through life <stroke-starved>. Strokes are <units of recognition> which we all
need for basic survival.  In a famous World War II study it was found that babies
actually died when they didn't receive strokes: touch, talk, care & love.
Our relationships will also die if we don't get enough positive strokes (deposits)
or if we get too many negative strokes (withdrawals).

<The greatest need of every human being is the need for appreciation>
William James.

 How can you build your emotional trust banks with the people
you care about?

<<TOP TEN WAYS to BUILD YOUR EMOTIONAL TRUST BANK>>

1.  KEEP PROMISES and COMMITMENTS:   When you tell someone
 you are going to do something, no matter how small, DO IT!
 Return that phone call, send that email/article, be on time.

2.  BE THOUGHTFUL & CONSIDERATE:  Think about what the other
 person needs and wants....and give it to them, if possible.
 Be empathic - put yourself in their place and determine what
 they need for trust deposits.  Often what others need for
 deposits are not the same as what you need. (Hint: notice what
 deposits the other gives you, usually people give what they
 would also like back in return. eg if they send you cards, most
 likely they would love to receive cards)

3.  GIVE COMPLIMENTS & POSITIVE FEEDBACK: Look for the "good" in
    others...and tell them! Practice giving 4 compliments to every 1 criticism
    to the people you care about.   Take the time to give positive feedback
    to the people you work with and to your friends. Give various types of
    compliments: verbal, non-verbal  written...
    When you give compliments, people want to give back! Remember:
 <you attract what you give away>

4. ACKNOWLEDGE & CELEBRATE SUCCESSES: When people do
   something special, tell them!  Help them acknowledge and celebrate
   their successes.  Send flowers, a card, a special note, bake a cake,
   give them a party!

5.  SMILE, HUG, KISS, a PAT on the BACK: Remember all the non-verbal
     ways we communicate caring; there is so much power in human touch!
     Make lots of deposits with non-verbal behaviors.

6.  COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY:
    * Learn to use  I-MESSAGES:
 a. Use the POSITIVE I-MESSAGE to give compliments:
  When you......(describe their behavior)
  I felt....(describe your feeling)
  because...(the tangible effect on you)
  eg. When you took the time to send me that note
   I felt so appreciated
   and then I could work more effectively all day!
 b. Use I-MESSAGES (rather than blameful YOU-MESSAGES)
  to express your feelings/concerns.
 eg. I-MESSAGE When you didn't send me a birthday card
       I felt hurt and disappointed
       then it was harder for me to listen to your problems.
 eg. YOU-MESSAGE: <You're always so thoughtless: you never send me a birthday card!>

   *TELL OTHERS what you need for Deposits! - Sometimes other people don't know what we
 really want for deposits.  People aren't mind readers...tell them!  and then thank them!

7.  BE TACTFUL:  Timing is everything.  If you have to do or say something that my be
 experienced as a withdrawal, be tactful and careful.  Don't confront someone when
 they are sick or upset or have had a bad day; pick the right time to confront.  If
 you must say/do something painful, explain your reasons when you have a chance.
 Help the other understand your motives/needs....and make it up to them by giving
 extra deposits!
 AND:  remember to APOLOGIZE sincerely when you make a withdrawal!  Explain
 why you had to do it and make up for it by making more Deposits.

8.  ADD VALUE:  Take time to think about all the ways you can add value to your
 relationships.  Sometimes little things can make a huge difference....and really
 add deposits to your trust banks!  eg. send a note of thank you or appreciation,
 take time to tell someone you appreciated something they did/said, send an
 article of interest to a friend/client, send an inexpensive, thoughtful gift for no
 reason.  There are endless ways you can add value to any of your relationships,
 either personal or professional, it just takes some creative thought and specific
 action.

9.  BE HONEST & TRUSTWORTHY:  Always tell the truth, use integrity in all your actions,
 be dependable:do what you say you will do,

10. RECEIVE DEPOSITS! - When people give you compliments, acknowledgments,
 positive feedback, deposit them!  Simply say Thank You...and take it in.
 So often we deflect compliments (deposits) or we don't notice
 when we are given a deposit.  Learn to notice and accept deposits - build
 your own emotional trust bank.
   MAKE DEPOSITS to RECEIVE DEPOSITS...Remember, people like to reciprocate..
 so, whenever you give deposits, people will want to give you deposits too!

**copyright: all rights reserved: Laurie Geary, May, 2001

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3. QUOTES:

<If you knew what I know about the power of giving,you would not let
a single meal pass without sharing it in some way> Buddha

<We make a living by what we get.  We make a life by what we give>
Winston Churchill

<The only gift is a portion of thyself> Ralph Waldo Emerson

<It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked,
through understanding> Kahlil Gibran

<The habit of giving only enhances the desire to give> Walt Whitman

<Anything that is of value in life only multiplies when it is given>
Deepak Chopra

<Anything that has real and lasting value is always a gift from within>
Franz Kafka
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4. Recommended TASKS:

1.  Take the time to brainstorm a list of ways you can ADD VALUE to your
 relationships with significant others in your life....and start adding
 value today!

2.  Notice the ways others are making deposits in your trust bank and
 reciprocate in the same ways.  Give people what they need for
 deposits in their trust banks.

3.  Ask yourself: <What do I need for deposits in my emotional trust bank?>
 Then TELL OTHERS what you need!
 
4. Give away (deposit) what you most want.  Write down how you can begin
     giving away what you most need in your life: if you need friendship, how
     can you be a better friend? if you need understanding, how can you be
     a more patient listener?  if you need joy, how can I give joy to others?

5.  Acknowledge all the deposits you already have in your emotional trust
 bank.  How is your bank balance?  If you need more deposits, go
 find them!  Are there too many withdrawals being made?  then find
 a way to stop those withdrawals!

6. Call or email me for a complimentary half-hour COACHING session to
 help you in building your emotional trust bank.
  Voice:617-494-1422;  email: laurie@ingearcoaching.com

7. Go to my Website www.ingearcoaching.com for back issues of my newsletter to read
 more articles on taking risks, building self esteem, finding your passion, resolving conflict,
coaching...and much more

8. Read one of the books recommended below
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5. Recommended BOOKS:

<The New People-Making> by Virginia Satir
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0831400706/gearupforsuccela

<Games People Play> by Eric Berne
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0345410033/gearupforsuccela

<The One Minute Manager>  Ken Blanchard
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/9780688014292/gearupforsuccela

<Be Your Best> by Linda Adams
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0399515631/gearupforsuccela

<The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People> by Stephen Covey
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/9780671708634/gearupforsuccela

or....
Order my new workbook:
<RISK TO GROW! CREATE the LIFE YOU WANT through RESPONSIBLE RISK-TAKING>
a collection of articles, top tens, models, poems & quotes, and exercises on Risk-Taking....
or
 order my other booklet on experiential activities for trainers: 75 of my favorite activities
learned from years of working as an instructor for Outward Bound Professional Development
Programs <GAMES & INITIATIVES for NETWORKING, ENERGIZING, & TEAM-BUILDING>.

Both booklets now available...hard copy ($20) or pdf. file ($15)
Send check to Laurie Geary, 4 Canal Park, PH9, Cambridge, MA 02141;
email request to: laurie@ingearcoaching.com or
order at my website: www.ingearcoaching.com
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